We learned so much from these service opportunities - it was truly a training ground for us! We learned how to serve others...We learned how to look outside of ourselves and focus on the hurts of other people...We learned how to give of our time and talents to encourage other people...We learned a lot about life...and death.
Why You Should've Taken Your Kids to That Funeral
As I've had conversations with other parents, I am amazed at the number of families who shelter their children from the reality of death...Time and time again, I have seen families experience the passing of a friend, a neighbor, a loved one, and the children are excluded from the funeral services.
I have heard parents offer a number of explanations:
"My child is very sensitive...it would just be too much for them."
"They're too young...they may have nightmares."
"We didn't really know the deceased all that well, so it's really not all that important that my child be there."
"I don't think I'm going to take them...they would probably just be bored."
"They have never been to a funeral before...I'm not sure I'm ready to 'go there'."
"It would create too many questions that I'm not ready to answer."
Friends, I have to say that while I understand a parent's desire to protect their child from the harsh realities of this life, I can not help but ask:
How can we teach our children to live with an eternal perspective when we shelter them from the reality of death?
Yes, I realize that even the thought of death is uncomfortable for all of us...even those of us who have been around it our whole life. I have never gotten used to the awkward feeling of playing prelude music for a funeral service...especially when no one else is really there yet...and the piano is positioned right next to the casket...uh, talk about uncomfortable...and I have never, ever, ever been able to stomach seeing a child in a casket. However, we can not ignore the fact that we live in a fallen world...a world where babies don't survive...and children die in accidents...and mothers are taken too soon...and father's get cancer and pass away...and grandparents leave us before we're ready...and friends take their own life...
These are not things that any of us like to think about, but to ignore the fact that these realities are very much a part of this life would be unrealistic...and to paint a picture to our children that this type of harsh difficulty does not exist is doing our children a terrible disservice.
Ecclesiastes 3:2: ...There is a time to be born and a time to die...
Call me morbid, but whenever the paper comes, I usually glance at the obituaries, and it is very rare for all of the death notices to be for elderly folks. No matter the week, there is usually an infant...a child...a teenager...a young adult...someone who [through our earthly lens] was taken far too soon. Friends, life is not fair. In fact, we were promised difficult times:
John 16:33: ...in this world, you will have trouble; but take heart, because I have overcome the world.
No one is ever truly prepared to face great loss, but how devastating it must be for someone who has never had a glimpse in to death to experience a tragic loss of their own. It is so important to consider practical ways we can train our children for life...even when it is terribly uncomfortable.
Children can learn so much by being included in memorial services:
1. We can encourage our children in their responsibility to help bear the burdens of other people. As members of a faith community...as part of the body of Christ...we are called to encourage each other and build each other up...not just in the times of great celebration, but also in times of deep sadness. A grieving family may not remember what you said to them in the receiving line...They may remember what kind of casserole you brought to the house...but they will remember that you were there...and that you cared for them during a time when they needed it most.
2. We can help our children grasp important realities: Life is ugly...it can be really, really messy...it is painful and sometimes hurts more than we could ever imagine...but...this is not the end!
3. We can teach our children that there is hope beyond the grave. I am so thankful that there is life beyond all of this...all of the hurt...all of the sadness...and tears. We have this hope as anchor!
4. We can confront our children with their need to make a choice about where they will spend eternity. We spend so much time investing in our children...working to teach them so many things, yet when someone passes away, we miss an opportunity to discuss life's most important matter with them. I don't believe the goal should ever be to scare children in to making such a life-changing decision, but to simply bring them face-to-face with the most important questions they will ever ask themselves. Have they accepted Christ as their personal Savior? Will Heaven be their home? What will eternity look like for them personally?
5. We can answer our children's difficult questions. What an incredible opportunity for family discussion! Offer your children opportunities for closure...Let them know that you understand their hurt and confusion...Encourage them to ask questions...Make sure they understand that you don't have all the answers...Create a safe place for very real discussion...discussion that can be ongoing...Take them to the Scriptures for comfort...the only place where the very real promises of peace and hope can be found.
Disclaimer: I realize that there are special situations where maybe a child is too young or has a special need that would serve a distraction during the service.
I also realize that there may be children who have experienced tremendous loss and attending such a service would serve an an unnecessarily harsh reminder of something devastatingly tragic that they have faced. The thoughts shared in this post were not intended to address these very special situations that I realize must be handled in a very different manner.
Thank you for your kindness and respect as share my heart with you, my readers~
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I took my son to his first funeral this summer. It was for the woman who cared for him from the time he was 1yo to he went to kindergarten. It was really hard because we didn't know she was ill and she died only a few weeks after we last saw her. But I agree that it's important to help our children understand their mortality.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, Laila! I am so sorry for your family's loss~ I'm sure that has been a very difficult situation for all of you~ Praying for a special peace for everyone involved!
DeleteTotally agree with you. Last year, we took our two girls - ages one and three at the time - to a funeral for a lady at church who died from cancer. We walked them right up to the casket and re-emphasized death, eternity (both heaven and hell), and reminded them about Christ's work on the cross and that they must repent of their sins and believe in Him. The one year old didn't fully understand it, but I do believe she had a better grasp than many people believe a little one like her can have. The three year old definitely understood it, and was scared - in a good way. We had been trying to get her to understand the reality of her sin nature, and where that leads apart from Christ. I believe that the funeral really drove home the point. She still needs a little reminder now and again, but going to that funeral has turned out to be a blessing in getting her to grasp the gospel message.
ReplyDelete~Amanda
I wholeheartedly agree with your post. If we teach our children the entire good news, death is a part of that. Both on the cross and in our own lives. My children have been raised hearing about death in honesty- with respect and sensitivity, but honestly. I can't think of a single thing, years later, that would make me sorry for that decision. On the contrary, they are level headed, caring, knowledgeable and at peace in those very tough situations of death among family and friends.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine the very worst thing you could do (regarding death) to a child would be to "shelter" them from the subject and have to watch them come to terms with it completely unprepared, with a sudden loss.
TOTALLY Agree!! I was taught this years ago when we were new Christians. My daughter was 2, and her babysitter who was a tender 17 passed away from cancer. I was torn as to what to do, a dear lady from my church told me, "You can't shelter them, take her, we have always taken ours to funerals. It is a sign of respect". Since then they have went with me to every funeral for family or friends from church. There has been only one that hurt them, and it was for my papaw who died (as far as we know) lost. My oldest was very upset. Death was real to them, yet they knew it also came with eternal life that we will one day have to face.
ReplyDeleteIt is a tender topic for sure, but as for me, I don't regret taking my kids at all.
It is good to grasp the reality and sorrow of death from a young age. I can remember attending my great-grandparents' funerals at about 3 or 4 years old--at the same time, there were funerals that my parents attended and left us home from--when we kids didn't know the person in any way and weren't related, I think it's understandable that they didn't consider it necessary to cart 7 children to the event. In my early teens I remember going to the funerals of friends' parents and my beloved pastor--those were heartbreaking times.
ReplyDeleteMy girls will be singing at a funeral tomorrow...(15 and 14) They are very compassionate because of these occasional experiences
ReplyDelete