I took my oldest in to a public restroom (a very clean, well-maintained, no-worries-from-this-mama kind of public restroom) ...and while we were in there, I witnessed a mom talking to her toddler as together they prepared to tackle "potty-time" in a nearby stall.
Mom: "Honey, I know you're not a fan of public restrooms." [Child says nothing.]
Mom: "Sweetheart, are you going to be scared of the loud toilet when it flushes?" [Child says nothing.]
Mom: "Okay, this is what we'll do. We'll go to the potty, and then I will take you outside and let you stand by the door while I come back in and flush the toilet." [Child says nothing.] #amberalert
Throughout this interaction, I did not hear the child say a word...She didn't cry...or show any sign of fear or discomfort. What I heard was the mom creating a problem...encouraging anxiety...and then complicating the situation by setting up a ridiculous scenario regarding how they were going to get the toilet flushed without upsetting little Susie Q. (It seemed that the mom herself was the one with the anxiety over public restrooms.) Let me remind you again, the child appeared perfectly calm...showing no concern or issue whatever.
Can you picture this scene? I feel like I've watched similar situations play out in front of me 100,000 times.
Now, hear me out...loud and clear, please. I realize that I do not know this mother...or her child. I do not know their specific situation...or the whole story behind their interaction. I also understand that many young children are somewhat terrified of automatic toilets, noisy hand-dryers, etc. My oldest is not a fan. I get it. So, I don't want to ignore the fact that this may have been one of those situations - even though the little girl seemed completely fine to onlookers.
What I want to address...what I can't get off my mind...are the completely together kids who are capable of handling normal life situations - such as using the bathroom in a public restroom - but yet their parents plant seeds of questions...concerns...anxieties...that are completely unnecessary...then resulting in the children having issues.
As a former classroom teacher, I will be the first to stand up and say that there are children who are struggling with REAL difficulties. Many face physical or psychological challenges that require assistance. I am in no way addressing these families. The families that are dealing with these kind of struggles deserve nothing but our kindness, our compassion, our consideration, and our encouragement.
With that being said, would you allow me to think out loud for a few minutes? I can't help but wonder whether or not - in most situations - if we - the parents - are the reason that seemingly few children can cope with real life? Are we part of the problem? Are we so sheltering and so hovering over our kids that they are completely incapable of handling normal, everyday life situations?
Could it be that it is quite possibly our over-parenting that is creating many of these issues....Could this be the reason that we are dealing with kids who can't function normally? I'm not talking about regular ol' developmental stuff. I'm talking about the "out-of-control-ness" of all of this. Could we be the reason that our kids can't eat anything but chicken tenders and Oreos? Could we be the reason that our kids have become obsessive-compulsive germaphobes? Could we be the reason that many children require pills just to be able to take a spelling test? Could we be the reason that our teenagers are incapable of facing job interviews as well as major decisions about their future - where they will go to the college, etc?
What happened to simply dealing with expectations...learning to work through the difficult....facing challenges head on and growing from the struggle?
And using a public restroom without finding yourself on the brink of a panic attack?
No one ever said that everything should be easy...and comfortable. School is supposed to be challenging...Jobs are typically stressful...Family life is going to be exhausting...and toilets can be noisy. That's life.
I guess these thoughts have been on my mind for a long time...when I was in the elementary classroom...as I have begun raising kiddos of my own...and even more recently as I've been reading "Crazy Busy" by Kevin Deyoung. I especially loved Chapter 6 in his book: A Cruel Kindergarchy (You Need to Stop Freaking Out about Your Kids). K. Deyoung is a parent to six kids, so I felt like I wanted to tune in closely to his thoughts on raising children. In fact, I'm planning to read this chapter a second time...and then maybe a third. I'll leave you with a few of my favorite thoughts from the chapter:
Parenting has become more complicated than it needs to be. It used to be...that Christian parents basically tried to feed their kids, clothe them, teach them about Jesus, and keep them away from explosives. Now our kids have to sleep on their backs (no, wait, their tummies; no, never mind, their backs), while listening to Baby Mozart and surrounded by scenes of "Starry, Starry Night". They have to be in piano lessons before they are five and can't leave the car seat until they're about five foot six. It's all so involved.
...We think of our children as amazingly fragile and entirely moldable. Both assumptions are [wrong]. It's harder to ruin our children than we think and harder to stamp them for success than we'd like.
Maybe our hearts are too busy with fear and worry. Maybe we are overanxious. Maybe we are over committed. Maybe we are over-parenting. And maybe we are making our lives crazier than they need to be. While we can't avoid being busy with our children - with a good dose of prayer, a shot of Biblical reflection, and a little common sense, we can avoid freaking out about them quite so much.
As I think out loud about this tonight, I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter...
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Amen. I agree with all of this. I have seen examples in my own circles of this. Children I grew up with who are now adults who have unrealistic fears because their parents doubted everything and never made them do ANYTHING. These were Christian parents, trying to keep their children from feeling hurt or rejected - or God forbid STRESSED! Now, their children are adults who are not able to cope with real life. Real life is messy, hard, and yes - even heart breaking. We can protect our children, but also help them learn how to cope with stressful situations. Isn't it better that they have us near them during stressful situations NOW - then have had been sheltered from all harm only to have to handle the hard things on their own in the future? .....sorry....just thinking out loud as well!
ReplyDeleteAnother thought provoking post! You make many valid points and my thought on this is that parents are scared. Scared of something happening to their child in one way or another. They don't want their child to experience anything remotely unpleasant or hard. Yet, what they don't realize is they are creating adults who will not be able to function in a healthy, adult manner. They are creating enablers, co-dependents, fearful and anxiety-filled people. The letting go process of being a parent begins at birth. It is our job to prepare them to leave the nest ready to take on all of the hard times life will throw at them. Good times too should be taught rejoicing, especially for others. But, it's the bad times that build character, strength and courage. It is what will make them into the people we hope they become. Some of life's hardest lessons have to be learned by ourselves. Like you said, we don't know the story behind what you heard from that mother and sometimes as parents we just throw out the first thing that pops into our heads to encourage them without even thinking about the message it may be sending.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting thoughts! and I will have to check out that book. We really like Kevin DeYoung and I have not read that book!
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ReplyDeleteWhile my child is only a toddler, (18 months) I have to say I am guilty of coddling her a bit too much, I don't know if it's my personality or the fact that I was never coddled really as a child, or society, but I grew up with realistic fears (what if my child got hurt) and could handle other fears. While I do hope I become more of realistic mother as Sophie gets older, I can see where it has become a serious hindrance on children where the parents coddle them too much. I think your example is ridiculous, the mother isn't helping her child deal with the toilet flushing is setting that child up for being unable to handle the real fears in life.
liz @ sundays with sophie
Life is so much harder and different now than it was when I was a kid. Kids have access to so many more dangers than we did. I did not over-parent or under-parent, but I sure d0 a lot of checking in and praying.
ReplyDeleteGreat post....I've seen this so many times as well and it seems so counterintuitive. I feel blessed that I did not have so many outside pressures and social media when I was raising my Bigs...all I had was my gut feelings. When my littles came along I already knew my bigs had turned out to be well adjusted so I didn't worry so much. I know there are parents out there who just want to do everything right and everyone just needs to relax a little. So many kids out there who have no independent thought growing up today. Thanks for sharing.
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